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Thursday, February 8th, 2007
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11:07 pm
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im so fucking unhappy. i cant find inspiration in anything. nothing motivates me anymore. i wore sweatpants earlier this weeka nd a sweatshirt today. thats the kind of life im having. i always feel sick. i hope i have cancer kind of. just something to make me feel like im not the reason my life is so fucked. i dont think i really love him. i think i like the idea of him. i dont like being alone. i dont like much of anything lately. i feel so distant from everything. i used to care about what i typed and how i typed and made sure my spelling was right. now i dont even do that. half the time id ont even punctuate. im such a disappointment to myself. i feel like nothing is sacred to me anymore. i have morals but no values. i have no goals i feel. well i do, but im not doing anything to move toward them anymore. back to the no motivation thing. im gonna kick myself in the teeth. im such a procrastinator. i really do want to marry a gotti boy. any of them really, but preferbly john. i feel like theres a bubble around me. i didnt put it there on purpose but ive grown so attached to it i dont want it to leave. maybe its a growth like the one on my neck. people probably think im nervously joking about this cancer thing but im not really. i really dont care. i dont think cancer will impact me quite yet. i think my distance from society will kill me before the cancer does. society is falling apart. i didnt think it would ever be socially acceptable to talk on the phone in a restaurant. now its almost normal. i hate our society. talk about anomie, huh? i cant believe how much our society has lost touch with itself. i dont want to be the next lost generation. we need to be united. after 9/11 we were all about unity. but all of the opersecution and security really just seperated us. were all afraid of each other. the next operson i see talking o the earbud i cant even see instead of the person in front of them is going to get a long lecture on how theyre fueling the downfall of our society. for real though. maybe i can bring it all back together. or maybe not me but maybe in general, we can do it. put down your cell phones. talk to the person next to you. theyll probably influence your life more than whoever youre talking to. i think we all need to go out and climb some trees before they all get cut down. go swimming before all the beaches and lakes and stuff get closed because of dead animals and bacteria. before its not safe to go outside anymore. we can already tell our kids we remember when pluto was a planet. lets tell them we remember what it was like to go outside and run around on dirt and grass and hurt ourselves and have fun. without computers and phones. and that we had friends. actual ones we didnt meet on myspace or online. and even if we did, we actually hung out with them. i dare you to go to your myspace and actually hang out with somebody you say you wanna hang out with soon. i fucking dare you. i dont think ill be happy with my life until i do. lets not become a segregated peoples. i dont want life to be liek it is on the fifth element. i want us to be social. lets get in touch. give me your address and we'll hang out by june 22nd.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 24th, 2006
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12:06 am
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I really hope nobody reads this. It's not like I ever update it or anything. If you do read this by chance, keep it quiet.
I can't help but be jealous. It's not my fault. She's cuter and smaller than me. I wouldn't say prettier though. Anyways. She likes ska music and I don't. They've been friends longer than I've known him. If I never met him, they would have dated. He even told me so. She really likes him. Even if she's not into committment, she will be someday. And anyways, she doesn't need to be into committment to fool around with him a few times. I would never know. She lives far away. It's not like I know anybody where she lives that would tell me if they saw them together or anything. They have little insiders and stupid shit like that. I just can't handle it. Everybody's allowed to have the one person they don't want their significant other to be friends with right? I'm not sure I'm supposed to want her to die but you know. They haven't seen each other for almost a year, and only twice ever. How are they suuuch good friends? I don't understand. It gives me a pit in my stomach to think about. What if he is cheating on me? I'll die. Die. Even if they're just secretly hanging out. It will kill me. Dead.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
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3:05 pm
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| Monday, August 7th, 2006
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10:51 pm
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Life is cool. I havent done this forever. Yeah that's about it.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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9:31 pm
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I'm just so happy.
I'm almost 17
Which means R movies are legal!
I'm doing well in Biotech, I have an A!!
I don't care that I'm failing Algebra 2 and Brit Lit
Which is weird because those used to be my 2 favorite subjects
But whatever
Christmas is so close!
I can't wait!
I've got lovely plans for Christmas Eve with my lovely boyfriend and his family
I sleep late in the morning and I'm never on time for homeroom
Which is sweet
My parents kinda sorta trust me more now
And the best thing of all:
Geoffrey John Lake.
I love him.
And I can say this without worry or doubt and I know he loves me back.
And doesn't just say it to say it or because I said it.
And I don't have to worry that I'm just saying it to say it.
I love him.
He makes me happy
And what's more,
We make eachother happy.
One sided relationships don't work.
This isn't like that, we work.
I feel like I shouldbe spending all my time with him.
I do spend a lot of time with him.
But it seems like we've been together for 20 years.
It's been just over 2 months.
Nothing really matters any more, just him.
He's so sweet to me.
He makes me want to be nice to him.
Even when we fight it's because we love eachother and don't want things to build up and get in the way.
We actually have intelligent conversations.
About everything.
Nothing's taboo.
He makes me feel like a goddess.
It's amazing when somebody tells you you're perfect with truth in their voice.
He believes in me.
He thinks I will make it in life, and make it far.
He wants me to be happy.
That makes me happy.
I'm just enamored.
current mood:  Pumped
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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11:23 pm
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I don't even need a car
WHAT I WANT NOW:
MP3 Player
NEW FUCKING DIGITAL CAMERA
Brand New- Deja Entendu CD, since mine SOMEHOW got broken
and a small pet. like a gerbil or hamster or goldfish.
Once I get a job That's what I'm getting. A car is less important than a goldfish at the moment.
My mom read my old IM convos, because AIM+ automatically saved them, and she found out what Mike and I did. She's pissed. She thinks I want to kill myself. She thinks I should be in therapy. I'm fine. Grr.
Tonight was cool. Saw Greg and Mike and MATT. Oh and that negro Joe L. funn. Yeah it was awesome. Haven't seen Greg or Mike in forever. Matt's just awesome. Gave Mike all his stuff. Glad that's over with.
Saweet. Manny just flashed the principal's son on camera on Degrassi. That will never get old.
Okay. That's alllll.
current mood: happy
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
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12:23 am
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| Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
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9:53 pm
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| Monday, October 3rd, 2005
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3:57 pm - I think I've posted this before, but it's still funny
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102 ways to be hardcore
1) Be tough at all times.
2) Never cheer after a show, only clap.
3) Be open minded in a "punch people" kind of way
4) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire.
5) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
6) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See Rule 5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
7) Wear your hoody in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
8) Don't admit you listen to heavy metal.
9) (Exception to rule 8) Only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80's cheese metal shirts.
10) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
11) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
12) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Example Screamcore, emocore, Screamocore, mathcore, or Medio-core.
13) Remember, it's fun to punch and kick kung fu style.
14) Keep it in the do-jo.
15) Real hardcore fans are called kids.
16) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
17) Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Hulud.
18) Tell people you work in the music industry.
19) More Ankles people!
20) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
21) Refer to bands as old school or new school then act tough again.
22) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape plan.
23) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.
24) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
25) Smoking and drinking and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.
26) Whatever you do, don't let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself, after all, you do a better job singing then him. It's a wonder they didn't put you on the album.
27) Start your own hardcore band.
28) Have your logo resemble some random 80's product for nostalgia.
29) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
30) If you are shy start an emo band so you don't have to look at the audience.
31) People who know more bands than you are better than you.
32) Add the Letter X before and after important words. XhardcorekidX XmoshfuckX
33) Never say "Did you hear the new Strung Out?" Unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny.
34) It's merch not Merchandise.
35) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
36) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
37) The bigger you stretch you ears out the more hardcore you are.
38) Your ear should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap or a penis.
39) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal... steal the mic away from the singer.
40) When people ask you if you like a band always say "I only like the old stuff" or "I haven't really gotten into the new stuff."
41) Buy all of that bands merch.
42) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
43) Repeat steps 41 and 42
44) If you have to wear glasses make sure they are thick, black framed ones.
45.) Don't tell anybody but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the well.
46) Never admit you don't like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
47) Complain that they are playing with Slayer but don't admit you actually like Slayer.
48) Complain at all costs.
49) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool
50) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.
51) You don't go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.
52) Name your hardcore dance moves things like "The mother fuck" or "kick that guys ass move" or better yet... stay home and cry.
53) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.
54) Scream about love.
55) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.
56) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge. Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids.
57) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
58) Wear your pins with honour! Shai Hulud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat and the purple heart of valour.
59) Velcro shoes are cool.
60) Don't admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
61) Your band name should contain one of the following words: Blood, Murder, Kill, Victim and butterfly.
62) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
63) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.
64) 100 bands from around the world to play in your city. All of them are the world's best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore genre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
65) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
66) Re-issue your demos after every album.
67) When the band starts playing everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
68) Crying on stage makes you a professional.
69) Complain some more.
70) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
71) If you are from New York NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up whom ever is looking.
72) If you are from New Jersey NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.
73) Never admit that Emo is Country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
74) American Idol is your worst enemy. (But you voted for Ruben)
75) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
76) Fuck beer, Got breast milk?
77) Bandanas are cool.
78) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
79) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week you poser.
80) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
81) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band.
82) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
83) Look up Socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended.
84) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
85) Describe your group of friends as "the scene" and then watch bootlegs of last weeks TRL.
86) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
87) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with "I am hardcore" then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
88) Keep punching
89) Kick a little too
90) Punch
91) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
92) Pretend you are won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.
93) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
94) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records are too trendy.
95) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.
96) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.
97) Straight bangs means straight-edge
98) Being vegan means you can't swallow sperm.
99) When in doubt Mock everything
100) Take everything personally.
101) Start a "gang"
102) Assume this list is about you
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
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12:16 am
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| Monday, September 26th, 2005
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9:49 pm
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Homecoming was cool.
The whole day Saturday was cool.
But I think Friday was better.
Just slightly.
I picked up Amanda from getting her nails done. then picked up Josh. Then picked up Brandon. Then we went to Fashion bug. I was looking for shoes but couldn't find any. Josh and Brandon were picking out shoes too. Brandon liked the eskimo boots. Amanda made Josh buy underwear for her. When he was paying for them Brandon went up to him and was like "Dude I don't think those are your size" and Josh says "are you calling me fat? That hurts man, that hurts"
So we went into TJ Maxx and I dragged Brandon around looking for shoes. He's such a sweetheart. He didn't complain at all even though we went there for nothing because I didn't buy anything haha.
Amanda wouldn't let Josh steal a belt and it made me mad because it was like they were telling him to steal it. So he just bought a tie. Then we dropped Josh off. Brandon came back to my house at like 9 and we watched tv and hung out outside till like 10. Then we came inside and sat on the couch and watched Monk until almost 11. My dad came downstairs and said I had to bring him home so I did. I think he got in trouble for being home so late. I feel bad.
Yesterday I went to the mall with Tina. We saw Just Like Heaven... CUTEST movie ever. I loved it. I got a sweet new shirt. Saw Carly Carson and Brandyn there. Then we went and got food. I talked to the guy working at McDonald's for a few minutes. Then I saw Ashley and John. I love them, they're like my all time favorite couple. I loved them seperately before, but now I love them even more together. I like to think of us as a threesome hahaha.
Anyways. I love Chelsea and Tina. Fin.
current mood:  okay
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
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8:11 pm
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I need something... different.
Maybe something, new?
I don't know, I'm just not content.
I might get a job at TJ Maxx
That's right, Me having a job
One step towards de-lazy-ing myself
School got retarded.
I don't really like any of my classes.
Except Biotech. Obviously.
I don't really wanna go to homecoming.
I settled on the dress and I didn't get shoes or anything
I have a feeling it won't compare to any other homecoming
It will probably be a let down
Whatev.
There's a party at my house from after the football game until we leave for homecoming Saturday. That's what I'm looking forward to. Mass amounts of people are coming. You're all invited.
There's been so much shit going on lately it's ridiculous. People overreact to dumb things.
I'm bringing Tina to the football game Saturday. That should be cool.
I haven't talked to Brandon since Sunday. That's not cool.
I'm all done. I'm sick and in a really bad mood.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
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2:41 pm
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Happy Birthday John Cooper!!!
I love that boy.
Today was gay. School isn't that great anymore. I'm going over Kelsey's to make meatballs for Spanish class tomorrow. I don't know if I'm going to Carlie's house or not. That's about it.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 10th, 2005
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2:27 pm
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Thursday was a pretty rockin day until I got home.
School, I don't remember
BUT after school Carley Kelsey and I went to the post office and had an adventure.
Then Carley dropped Kelsey and I off at my mom's office. She was working the front desk which made me mad. She's not supposed to do that shit. Everybody just left the desk so he had to cover. Gay. Anyways after like 20 minutes Kelsey and I got her car and went grocery shopping! haha that was funnn. We got my groceries and our stuff for the next day for biotech class elections. Then we went to Papa Gino's and got lost on the way there haha. Fun stuff. We dropped my groceries off at my house and went to get my mom. After I dropped Kelsey off and got back to my house I discovered that I got kicked out, wasn't even allowed in to get my backpack or anything. I was gonna go to Brandon's house anyways so I figured I'd just go early. My mom decided I couldn't go at all. So I talked to her civally for a few minutes trying to tell her she had no reason to say no but it didn't work. Shje was being an ignorant bitch as always. So I stood up, pushed the bar over onto her, and told her that she was a "fucking bitch and I'm fucking walking." she got mad. I walked away. They made Josh come get me and bring me home. I called Will and then he said he'd call me back in a few minutes, but he didn't. I actually haven't talked to him since then. Jamie and I walked halfway to Brandon's house then had to turn back because my mom's a bitch.
THEN haha Friday came and stuff was good again. I won biotech class president, I'm so excited. I really wanted it. Even if you call me a geek it doesn't matter because while you're getting high I'm getting college credit my junior year in high school, and I did it my sophmore year too. I will be making gross amounts of money when I'm older because I like biotech now. I like it.
Last night sucked. All of my plans fell through. My parents came home from their "booze cruise" and I had to make sure they were okay and get them to bed because they both had to work this morning. I made them dinner because they wanted it, then my dad had to clean up the dinner my mom threw up all over the bathroom. I told her it was getting late and said she should probably go to bed. I take care of my parents. sweet.
I'm responsible in some aspects, but in other ways I'm such a tool. I should have a job, but I don't because I'm trying to do all these extra activities to get into a good college. Even Amanda has a job. I lie to my parents about where I go all the time, even if it's someplace they would let me go, I just have a problem, I can't tell my parents the truth. They're so unapproachable and they've lied to me for so long it's not natural to talk to them. Whatever. I'm over it.
Justin was gonna come over tday but he couldn't. Bummer. Brandon might come over tonight. If not I might go to his house. Who knows.
current mood:  bored
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 5th, 2005
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10:07 pm
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I haven't done this for a while.
I did cool stuff lately.
I hang out with Brandon a lot which is sweet.
School is still cool.
I like my friends for the most part.
I went to McDonald's with Carlie today and we met a boy, who had a friend, who had another friend, who had two friends waiting in the car. We were gonna hang out with them, and we did for a while, but we had to get back so Carlie could clean her room. And she was scared because they were gonna smoke, which is understandable, so I just went with it.
We went to the mall.
I saw Will and Alex.
That was cool. I talked to Will for a while. He got mad because I had my arm through his arm but I didn't even notice. Oh well, boys... They're weird like that.
Carlie got some school stuff and I just drank soda, because that's all I do.
We had a sweet conversation for like a half hour with the Journeys people, they're so nice. The man and I were talking about alcoholic beverages. Good times.
I came home.
Right now I'm wearing a red velvet leotard from Carlie's dance recital a few years back. I feel cool.
I'd pay to see a boy wearing this thing though.
That's about it.
current mood: blank
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
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10:34 pm
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Umm I like school but I don't. I like my classes but not my teahcers. Except biotech which is fucking awesome. I'm going for president, I doubt I'll win because Anna's louder than I am but I really care about the class, not what it looks like on a college app. I ALREADY started a fundraiser and its the second day, i mean seriously i'm pumped about it. even if i dont win im still gonna do everything ill just be pissed for a while haha.
umm people are stupid. drama has already begun, whatever. im sick of school already.
yeah i like having my license. you should all get one if you dont already.
yeah thats about it im really pissed off because i have to walk to the hospital tomorrow to get a shot. i already hate shots but its gonna suck more because i have to walk there and its probably gonna be raining. i really wish my mom wasnt fucking stupid and did it for anytime but 3. fucking gay. whatever im in a bad mood im done.
current mood:  pissed off
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| Friday, August 26th, 2005
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10:59 pm
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If you read this,
even if i don't speak to you often,
post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.
current mood:  busy
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
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9:43 am - Do this and I'll give you candy.
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1:: Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2:: Am I lovable?
3:: How long have you known me?
4:: When and how did we first meet?
5:: What was your first impression?
6:: Do you still think that way about me now?
7:: What do you think my weakness is?
8:: Do you think I'll get married?
9:: What makes me happy?
10:: What makes me sad?
11:: What reminds you of me?
12:: If you could give me anything what would it be?
13:: How well do you know me?
14:: When's the last time you saw me?
15:: Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16:: Do you think I could kill someone?
17:: Describe me in one word.
18:: Do you think our friendship is getting stronger, weaker, or staying the same?
19:: Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20:: Are you going to put this on your livejournal to see what I say about you?
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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1:45 am
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oahsuownoajenampislntkdtbaumawmxrjaiteksjwmslapmsonaxjkb
thats how i feel.
i feel like im about to cry all the time. does that make me like... emo or something?
i just want to go back to school where i can deal with other peoples drama and throw mine away.
iamsofuckedup
why cant i just be like every other angsty teenager and write a song or poem about my feelings then eat the paper??
eck whatever.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, August 22nd, 2005
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3:18 pm
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So summer's almost over
I'm happy because I get to see everybody, and generally, I like school.
I'm sad because it means I'm closer to being a junior, which means I'm almost a senior, which just leads to death.
I went to the show, made a wicked awesome new friend, hung out with Sarah and Molly whom I love, and met some cool other people. We started a dance party during too late the hero. sweet. and then we got wicked excited because the guy was like "we love moshing and everything, but this song is purely a dance song!" it was awesome
yesterday I had to clean and miss justin's party, lame.
i went to cvs with jackie and my sisters
then we went to wal mart
then staples
then back to cvs
then to mcdonalds
it was wicked fun. we rocked out.
Then i went grocery shopping with jamie
then we went to will's house for a little while. that was fun, it's always fun hanging out with him. we chilled and stuff.
came home. talked to will and julian, two of the coolest people ever.
Today I went to wal mart with ashlee and caitlin, then we went to wendys. that was pretty fun. we took some cool stuff from wal mart haha
this week should be sweet. i'm supposed to hang out with justin julian danny and josh at some point this week. 4 people, 4 days until the weekend, sounds like a busy week. I'm really happy.
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